Today, an incident made me wake up to the fact that at the very end of it all, i'm all alone in this chapter.

I tried. I threw my heart and soul into getting things done. I tried doing OT in order to rush my progress. I tried talking to pple ard me. I tried smiling and looking friendly. I tried making conversations. I tried asking questions. I tried listening. I tried looking on the bright side of things. I tried adopting a positive position in life.

And I'm sick and tired of it all. You know what's the shittest part of this episode in my life? I hate myself now.

I hate myself for being an emotional wreck. I hate myself for wallowing in this quicksand of self-pity. I hate the tired excuses i make to myself. I hate smiling at the person i know has backstabbed me. I hate waking up with the knowledge that im going to a workplace where it's blatent they don't really like me. I hate trawling through whatever i did, wondering what the heck i did to piss them off. I hate the bile that rises up in my throat everytime i hear a comment that pisses me off and i have to bite my tongue to not answer back. I hate the fact that i nitpick at everything. I hate feeling the impact of my insignificance during the morning crowd. I hate the fact that everything irritates me. I hate the superficial me who has to keep up the whole facade that i'm planning to enter this sickening industry. I hate knowing that i wasted one hols because of my procrastination to find a job. I hate knowing that no matter how much i hate everything and feel like exploding in a shower of self-hatred, there would be no one i can turn to.
People have their own problems and they won't be very interested. Plus, there are people who are worse off than me, yada yada yada. All i would come off as is just a whining stupid spoilt fool who can't take hardship.

How would you like going to work everyday knowing that people in your department dislike you? Or knowing that you are gonna tolerate another blatent example of how different the treatment is for others?

I hate her. I hate the stupid comments she makes to me, the tone she says it in. I hate how blatent the difference in treatment is. She makes my blood boil with fuckwit statements. You know what's the best part? I have limited contact with the QS dept! TADA! and yet they still dislike me. wow.. disliked by my own department while i have "best friends" everywhere else in the company.

WHY? WHY?! WHY?!

WHY? why do i get viewed differently? i hate the whole "rich" matter. I have never ever indicated that i'm loaded (i'm not). but i get all these snide comments on money. If i tell them abt a good deal, she does the whole disbelieving routine. If i come in bearing a paper bag with "The Face Shop"(ONCE), she goes "so rich ah?" like she shops in the mother fucking jungle. I hate her and if i could just punch her snake-like face, i would.

what makes the matter worse is tt im very very very sensitive about:
1) money
2) pple thinkin that im not proud of my chinese roots

1) money
I don't care. My parents may be okay but let's get it straight once and for all, I'M POOR. I hated sec school where people would go "waaah so rich!" when my allowance was half of theirs. And how when anyone needed money (for some harebrained scheme or now some sales gimmick) they would go "well, you got money to spare", no matter how many times i repeated that i could not and would not lend them money.

I know my one accessory may give her the idea that hey! a rich person! let's target her! But, seriously, i have a reason for wearing it and i dun feel like explaining myself to someone who didnt even bother to ask and jumped to conclusions. If it was a few snide comments, i would still feel okay. But, frankly, she has overexceeded the limit too many times for me to think "well okay i deserve it because of my accessory."

2) Being chinese
I love my chinese culture. Not being able to speak chinese properly is not an indication of anything. Honest to goodness, i tried to speak chinese.. But everytime i read out in chinese class in sec school, the whole class would explode in laughter. In the end, i just gave up on the oral part. And of course, that mistake has followed me in the sense that whenever a chinese phrase slips out of my mouth, people would go "the way you speak chinese is very funny."

SO! when i meet some snobbish so-darned-proud-of-being-???, they simply do not understand the tanned, english speaking creature before them and just write me off as some spoilt wannabe. And it drives me crazy that they do not even take the time to talk to me before writing me off their book and then making it obvious that their opinion of me is so low and they have every right to make loud rude comments.

ARRGGGGGGHHHHHHH! i feel like pounding the table and screaming my head off. I don't need them to like me. All i ask for is for them to stop with the comments.

It's been several weeks and i still hate how the superiors scold their subordinates. How anyone can treat their fellow colleagues with such callous lack of respect, is beyond my comprehension. Its week 7 and i still get demoralised every time i hear someone scolding another person.

I hate how they do not have EQ. How they can stand behind people and read their MSN windows. How their logic can be so screwed up. How they can say stupid stuff and repeat it over and over again like its the greatest thing their brain ever came up with. How they cannot read body language. How they repeat their offensive jokes LOUDER when u made a knowledgeable noise to it the first time around. How they say stupid stuff to get a reaction out of you. How they make it blatent that they do not like you. How i have to keep on a stupid smile pasted on my face to pretend that i don't know that.

I hate wondering whether it's just me.

How the fuck did it go so wrong?

I don't want to go to work tomorrow.

Please, somebody, make it stop.

i hate.

Just rip the next 2 weeks off like a band aid.