Today, an incident made me wake up to the fact that at the very end of it all, i'm all alone in this chapter.

I tried. I threw my heart and soul into getting things done. I tried doing OT in order to rush my progress. I tried talking to pple ard me. I tried smiling and looking friendly. I tried making conversations. I tried asking questions. I tried listening. I tried looking on the bright side of things. I tried adopting a positive position in life.

And I'm sick and tired of it all. You know what's the shittest part of this episode in my life? I hate myself now.

I hate myself for being an emotional wreck. I hate myself for wallowing in this quicksand of self-pity. I hate the tired excuses i make to myself. I hate smiling at the person i know has backstabbed me. I hate waking up with the knowledge that im going to a workplace where it's blatent they don't really like me. I hate trawling through whatever i did, wondering what the heck i did to piss them off. I hate the bile that rises up in my throat everytime i hear a comment that pisses me off and i have to bite my tongue to not answer back. I hate the fact that i nitpick at everything. I hate feeling the impact of my insignificance during the morning crowd. I hate the fact that everything irritates me. I hate the superficial me who has to keep up the whole facade that i'm planning to enter this sickening industry. I hate knowing that i wasted one hols because of my procrastination to find a job. I hate knowing that no matter how much i hate everything and feel like exploding in a shower of self-hatred, there would be no one i can turn to.
People have their own problems and they won't be very interested. Plus, there are people who are worse off than me, yada yada yada. All i would come off as is just a whining stupid spoilt fool who can't take hardship.

How would you like going to work everyday knowing that people in your department dislike you? Or knowing that you are gonna tolerate another blatent example of how different the treatment is for others?

I hate her. I hate the stupid comments she makes to me, the tone she says it in. I hate how blatent the difference in treatment is. She makes my blood boil with fuckwit statements. You know what's the best part? I have limited contact with the QS dept! TADA! and yet they still dislike me. wow.. disliked by my own department while i have "best friends" everywhere else in the company.

WHY? WHY?! WHY?!

WHY? why do i get viewed differently? i hate the whole "rich" matter. I have never ever indicated that i'm loaded (i'm not). but i get all these snide comments on money. If i tell them abt a good deal, she does the whole disbelieving routine. If i come in bearing a paper bag with "The Face Shop"(ONCE), she goes "so rich ah?" like she shops in the mother fucking jungle. I hate her and if i could just punch her snake-like face, i would.

what makes the matter worse is tt im very very very sensitive about:
1) money
2) pple thinkin that im not proud of my chinese roots

1) money
I don't care. My parents may be okay but let's get it straight once and for all, I'M POOR. I hated sec school where people would go "waaah so rich!" when my allowance was half of theirs. And how when anyone needed money (for some harebrained scheme or now some sales gimmick) they would go "well, you got money to spare", no matter how many times i repeated that i could not and would not lend them money.

I know my one accessory may give her the idea that hey! a rich person! let's target her! But, seriously, i have a reason for wearing it and i dun feel like explaining myself to someone who didnt even bother to ask and jumped to conclusions. If it was a few snide comments, i would still feel okay. But, frankly, she has overexceeded the limit too many times for me to think "well okay i deserve it because of my accessory."

2) Being chinese
I love my chinese culture. Not being able to speak chinese properly is not an indication of anything. Honest to goodness, i tried to speak chinese.. But everytime i read out in chinese class in sec school, the whole class would explode in laughter. In the end, i just gave up on the oral part. And of course, that mistake has followed me in the sense that whenever a chinese phrase slips out of my mouth, people would go "the way you speak chinese is very funny."

SO! when i meet some snobbish so-darned-proud-of-being-???, they simply do not understand the tanned, english speaking creature before them and just write me off as some spoilt wannabe. And it drives me crazy that they do not even take the time to talk to me before writing me off their book and then making it obvious that their opinion of me is so low and they have every right to make loud rude comments.

ARRGGGGGGHHHHHHH! i feel like pounding the table and screaming my head off. I don't need them to like me. All i ask for is for them to stop with the comments.

It's been several weeks and i still hate how the superiors scold their subordinates. How anyone can treat their fellow colleagues with such callous lack of respect, is beyond my comprehension. Its week 7 and i still get demoralised every time i hear someone scolding another person.

I hate how they do not have EQ. How they can stand behind people and read their MSN windows. How their logic can be so screwed up. How they can say stupid stuff and repeat it over and over again like its the greatest thing their brain ever came up with. How they cannot read body language. How they repeat their offensive jokes LOUDER when u made a knowledgeable noise to it the first time around. How they say stupid stuff to get a reaction out of you. How they make it blatent that they do not like you. How i have to keep on a stupid smile pasted on my face to pretend that i don't know that.

I hate wondering whether it's just me.

How the fuck did it go so wrong?

I don't want to go to work tomorrow.

Please, somebody, make it stop.

i hate.

Just rip the next 2 weeks off like a band aid.

i simply do not understand social morons. here are a few grouses i have with them.





1) when they rush into the elevator


It really irks me when the elevator reaches the lowest level, say level 1, and you know everyone inside the damned elevator is gonna come out, yet some moron will stubbornly insist on pushing their way into the lift when everyone else is starting to come out. ARRGGH! like the elevator gonna rocket off as soon as there is noone inside.



2) When they molest the mrt pole


I witnessed the mrt pole being an unwilling victim of this teenage boy who was doing some dance ard it. The dance involving him rubbing his upper body ard the pole while he rotated ard it. The poor unwilling pole. And this morning! i had to encounter some bugger hogging the pole with his upper body. ARRRGHH! and when i stubbornly insisted on finding some place to grab on to (the ride from AMK to bishan is very rocky), the bugger didnt even move away apologetically. Noooooo.. mr golden body continued to lean on the pole. Like his body gold like tt, too heavy for his bloody twittified legs to support.




Anyways!




Ting and Neela are coming back!!






Yay! Zuhairah had better start her descent from Venus! i simply cannot wait! *do the dance of joy with me pei!*










It's ba zhang galore now! and adel is very very happy indeed!





Work related gossip:





The day after the "f" word incident, the GM had us go into his office for a totally unrelated talk. Now, before the GM talked to us, i was really really scared of him. Cause one NTU intern told me that on their first day of the internship, the GM talked to them in his office and apparently he speaks in a condescending and patronising tone. Not to mention the fact tt he caught me smsing once.



So, basically, i was totally unexpected for what the session was about. He just wanted to find out about our biodata and have a nice chat with us. Turns out tt the GM is from the alumni of NUS! I guess tt's part of the reason why he treats us really nicely. So we had a lovely chat about the NUS lecturers, internship, classes, hostel life.... Halfway throught the talk, the thought "bet loser admin guy must be pee-ing in his pants now" crossed my mind. teeheeheehee!




Needless to say, everyone was very curious as to what the GM talked to us about, seeing how we were in his room for like 1 and a half hour!




Work has been okay. There has been a sudden torrent of work rushing in... as if to make us compensate for our first few twiddling-thumbs weeks. I was giddy at the prospect of work... in fact, i still like knowing that i have something to do at work everyday. Even managed to squeeze in some OT last week. Hoping to squeeze in a 4 more hours every week...

The GM act offered to take us to dinner during one OT session but my OT partner was so stressed out with work that we declined. Still, im rather afraid tt he will offer us dinner again. Can u imagine talkin to a big boss over dinner?? my hands will be too trembly to even hold the untensils! Plus! thanks to chu hui's question as to whether he wears a toupee, i will be too busy staring at his hair trying to figure out whether it's a hair piece!

Here's a sneak peek of work.






walking those fingers through white papers.




filing is my specialty now!





i didn't take pics of my measurement work coz it shows detailed drawings plans which may contain some confidential info. My measurement is like level 1 difficulty compared to Joan's and Chu hui's one. Though they have so much more cooler instruments than me. They have the $3000 magnifying glass and the computers with AUTOCAD. and i have.... one long ruler. pah.



We got two computers now. I was so disgusted with the state of one (turns out tt com has been left untouched for a looonng time), that i brought in my own cloth and magic clean to clean it. Look at the filth in between the keys of this keyboard!



i swear, when i first typed on this board, i was coughin with all the dust flying up!


Anyways! After cleaning it up and placing a few decorative figurines, it became our happy corner! Here's chu hui at our happy corner! looking very happy indeed!





can u spot my kakashi (naruto) figurine?? :) and my cow?? :)
psst! can u see that she is checking her yahoo mail on the com?? caught in the act!



I had loads of plans to make that corner a really cosy corner..Unfortunately, the dude whose com is facing us... is a bit weird. We call him delifrance (for those in the know, he is also neopets/makeup guy). So i avoid going there unless someone else (mainly joan) is gonna be there. I fear that, should i ever talk to him again, my face will show my disgust and repulsion to him.



One last shot for the day.. here's a candid shot of a stressed out joan!

Random thoughts:

Construction people do not how to start, carry, or end a conversation. ever.

Officially the world's WORST attempt to find out whether i have a bf. -_-

4 weeks and 4 days to go. As Chris often says, what else is there to do but grin dementedly and bear it?

Am loving Phantom of the Opera again.. Lovely lovely soundtrack. It makes me happy despite all the measurements that im supposed to be doing.

I don't understand my mood swings. I had a nice lovely post planned out but it's best if i'll write it another time.


Sometimes, I feel hostage to decisions i have made.

I posted this entry about 2 weeks back but for some weird reason, blogger didn't post it up. So here goes!


heh.




i was supposed to publish this post ages ago but my cough turned into a 0hmigawd-my-throat-killing-me and all i could do was crawl into bed to wait out this attack. On Sat, i came back from work and promptly collapsed into bed at 8 p.m .. dead to the world till 10 the next day. Unfortunately, i had a very disturbing dream that i can't manage to shake off.




Anyways! im feeling quite quite cheerful despite this darn hollow cough. I got to see Andrew Seow(yes yes.. he's gay. i know. he's still one of the best singaporean actors ard though)! I got to watch shrek 3! i got to eat my spicy fusilli and banana dessert pizza! :) Plus, i opened my mailbox and was pleasantly surprised to see an email from ting! adel now= content




Shrek 3 was pretty good. I think why many people felt that it didnt live up to its expectations was cause it didnt do much spoofing of other movies (unlike the first 2). But i enjoyed myself during the movie. Funny how i had to lean forward to tell some kids (bloody wannabe twits which looked to be in their early teens) to shut it during Pirates, and yet during Shrek 3, i wasn't disturbed by any chattering at all... this was despite being surrounded by kids. Amazing. Of course it could be due to the fact that their parents were around. Plus, i was much much amused by the fact that censorship boards put "PG: some ogre nudity implied" teeheeheehee!







Now, all that remains is the Harry Potter book to come out and adel's list of things-to-look-forward-to will end!







Anyways! as most of you would know (thanks to my constant bitchin and whining and groaning and occasionally, screaming), i'm still in the... interesting internship at urm company shout-a-lot. 5 more weeks to go! egad. of course the spontaneous morning-cheer-you-up smses really do go a long way in helping one creep towards the light at the end of the tunnel! But still.. it will be nice when PTA is over.




Nevertheless! we'll make do with what we have for now! Here are some pictures for visual effects.

Here's joan.. aka miss optimistic and brutally honest. She has piano lessons on Saturdays which entitle her not to work on alternate Sats! im sooo gonna take up bongo lessons which will fall on Fridays and Saturdays.

Also! note how grey our office is! The chairs are grey... the desks are grey.. the computers are grey... the files are grey.. even the cupboards are grey! And..... the clinch is... their uniforms are grey too!

what i flip through everyday. In this hazardous construction industry, the worst injury im gonna get is a paper cut.

this is what happens when you are not part of the "elite club" (membership is defined by whether your office gives you a computer with internet connection). I dun even have a computer to play minesweeper! *wails* judging by the way the admin person is happily prancing ard the office, i think Kingdom come, my computer also haven come yet.

and this is what happens when an intern does not have a computer.

in case the words are too small... the first pic puts "the ancient scrolls of the teo-ai-lin clan!" while the second's captions are "imparts the much coveted measurement-bashing skill!"












and finally... i saved the best for the last


met up with peio for a quick catch-up session and mani/pedi. Meeting pei is always a guranteed perk-me-up! It was a really fantastic end to a day's work (?). And she was so sweet as to buy a chocolate brownie from brownie factory for me! Thanks loads dear! i wanted to guzzle it all down but decided to savour every morsel of delicious chocolate instead! :) loved loved loved it! ahhhss!






i wanna put the photos for the wed meet up but i only got 2 photos of the food.. We were so busy catching up with one another that i totally forgot to whip out my hp to start snapping away! gah! ah wells.. it was fun seeing everyone again and getting to hear how everyone's doing. It was realy easy to organise this one coz everyone replied really quick to the smses! heh. Perhaps we shud do another outing soon! :)





gah. it's time to hit the bed.. Hopefully, tml's the day i get my com! (HA! ya. right.)

I have a best friend at work. His name is Tony and by the end of 9 weeks, i would have offered more than 10 packets of (strawberry) Pocky to him.

Two birthdays posts in 2 days!

Happy Birthday Neela!

People who wore brown uniforms for 2 years and listened to how the principal mangles the English language (Let us go to memory lane!) must stick together!

Heh.. the mere mention of those days in NY has just conjured up many long buried memories. Remember the time when you told zu to shut up even though she wasn't saying anything? Or the PE lesson where we were calmly strolling around on the outer tracks while everyone else huffed and puffed as they jogged in the inner tracks... I think the PE teachers didnt see us in the midst of the public coz everyone else ran 6 rounds while we walked around 4 rounds.

Oh! oh! oh! and remember twerp and co? And all the cartoons the class drew... arrrghhh! i forgot the name of our cartoon! something boy.... Oh that was priceless la... drawing one cartoon square and then passing it on. OH! it was titled "the many adventures of amoeba boy"!

hee. and remember mr kent price jumping forward and scaring the wits out of twerp? Oh the 1st 3 months were really good times! I actually looked forward to going to school... okay so we didnt learn much abt stuff like econs but it was as if every day brought about a new joke that would make us laugh till tummies ached and tears were cried!

I was so glad when u managed to join 02a2a after the 1st 3 months! And then with pei, ting, mel and zu, we embarked on a new journey. Remember ogling monkey whenever he appeared? Or laughing at band guy holding his pants as he ran across the court? And yes, i still do not appreciate you labelling loverboy as clumpasaurus.hmph.

OH OH OH! remember the rock concert NY was supposed to hold? heeheehee! How we laughed that the blocks would collapse and how the rock concert was gonna be "just a platform with lots of rocks on it" and how "to make it exciting.. every once in a while, they will shake the rocks around". hahaha!

Anyhoos! tt was quite some time back.. But ah wells, JC would have been terrible without you. As soon as i learned that my cousin was in the same JC as your sis, i told her that i couldnt have survived in JC without the Goddess of Wisdom! heh. All those bingo sessions during lectures (how i lost 7 games in a row is still a mystery), gossip sessions and bridge! And the assembly parts where you would stand in front of me and we would laugh and snerk over little things like how mr chua was trembling up there.. heeheehee!

Well, life has taken all of us in different directions. But im really grateful that we still get to talk via MSN. Esp during your exam periods! (Good luck for them by the way!)
And for the meet ups on the rare occasions you come back and actually inform us when you are back. Not "oh i was in singapore the other week!" Im really looking forward to seeing you in july! :D

It's been too long! And meeting up with any one of my JC peeps is always good for the soul! Is there any possible way to pack N up too? I do wanna meet him before he dies by your parent's shotgun. HAHAHA!

Arrrghh! i wish we could go for a vacation together!And no! Pei & me on bintan beach while ting and you on Fiji beach with a laptop and webcam to communicate doesnt count! We have to work something out okok? I have already started saving! :D

Okay, im rambling. Just wanted to seize this opportunity to tell you how grateful i am to have known you during JC, creating many precious moments (they seem so much better now that we no longer don the brown uniform!) that we will always laugh about.

I love your sharp witty sense of humour. I love how comfortable i always feel when im with you. I love how you always face life with a positive attitude (with that big beautiful smile of yours). I love how we can talk and it seems as if i can slip back into my jc stupid mode. There are just too many things to love about you and im abit embarrassed to proclaim all your good points and then it be super awkard when we see each other in july! (Im chinese. it's the culture. let it go. :D)

So my darling neels! Here's hoping that you had a wonderful time on your birthday. May you rescue more dogs and pick up more stuff for people! AND come back to singapore more often! N can come along!

May this beautiful friendship last! So that when we are old frail ladies, we'll still be having loads of fun ... and well maybe play just a littleeeee itsy bitsy baby game of bingo. :D

......

In my opinion....


Birthdays are all about celebrating, not just the moment the person is born, but also about celebrating the person..Celebrating who the person has become, the life he/she leads and how much the person has accomplished (at the very least, the birthday person accomplished not dying). And part of the accomplishment is how much the birthday person has come to mean to people around them. So here's a birthday post, celebrating a person who i have come to view as a friend in the past 2 sem!


Friendships are such tricky things. It's difficult to achieve that tricky balance of giving and taking. Very often, friends fall out with one another because one (or both) parties feel like they are the ones who often had to give in to the other(s).


And then, every once in a while, comes a marvellous friend who is so generous with everything that you kinda feel that you are taking advantage of her generousity sometimes.


Enter Jiahui.


Someone who believes so much in love.


Someone who continues giving no matter how much hurt you inflict on her. Or how much it hurts her to give.


The cam whore with a steady hand and good aim! Without her cam around, the number of pics taken during outings drops by 60%.


The friend who tells u to shut up when you wanna pay for her petrol (since she often drives to school and would be nice enough to give us a ride home). We won that argument though!


The person whose eyes lights up at the mention of mahjong.


A person who is nice enough to put aside her own work and help others understand what the assignment about is in the first place. And even help others to do it!


The sincere friend who, despite claims that she cannot console pple at all, helps soothe the burning anger with just a few well-chosen words. who cheers up and encourages friends to not give up during assignments.


The crazy person who jogs around school between lessons. I can picture them (Jiahui + Huili) leaving trails of dust in their wake. The one Singaporean boys should learn a thing or two from... like how she actually wants to send us to our door step if we are on foot.


The guru of excel. HUMMMMmmmmmmmm * bows and offer offerings of spreadsheets*


The person who put me as number 7(??) on her list. HMPH.


But most importantly of all, the wonderful source of company she always provides, be it in school (rushin COM project), or in MSN conversations (MSN: connecting you despite the miles!)


So even though this post is belated, i hoped that this lovely friend of mine had a wonderful time for her special day! Thanks for such a great friend. Look out for ur parcel okok? :) :)
And because it cannot be said enough..... Happy (Belated) Birthday Jiahui!

Sorry for the belated posting. Got sucked into a whirlpool of activity while in the midst of writing ur post

Dismay? Disappointment? Shock? Fury? Regret. Tell me. What should i feel.

Work just hit a new low.

Went to work feeling pretty happy. Needed to use Microsoft Word for 5 mins and asked the nice guy seated in front of me whether i could use his com when he is not around. He kindly gave consent and helpfully pointed out a computer which wasn't in use by anyone. Hence, Joan, chu hui and i eagerly tried to log in. After many attempts, we finally got in only to find out that no microsoft office components were installed in that computer.

Just as we were debating whether we could just download the software, our boss, mr fundamental came by and i hastily asked him whether we could just download the necessary stuff. After Mr Fundamental realised that we still had no computers after 4 weeks, he called the admin guy to the desk. And then the drama started.

Mr Fundamental told the admin guy to hurry with the computers. Being Mr Fundamental, his tone was as condescending and patronising as ever. I didnt feel that it was a scolding.. more of a "pls-do-it-asap" talk. I don't think Admin guy felt the same way as i did though. Because the coward, waited till Mr Fundamental was out of sight and said "FUCK" really loudly in our direction when someone asked him what happened.

Of course, we were a bit taken aback. This is, after all, our first offical "directed-to-us-fuck" Plus you must understand, Admin dude is in his 40s? really too old to be immature. Naturally we were a little stunned by the whirl of events that we were unwillingly sucked into. But then, i just brushed it off, thinkin that it is easy to understand the frustration one experiences after talking to Mr Fundamental. Perhaps Admin dude was just venting out his frustration in the only way he knew how?

Well, as if to contradict every thought i was conjuring to redeem him, admin guy threw a huge hissy fit, cursing and swearing loudly out of our sight and we heard a crash, as if someone had threw something down in a fit of anger. By this time, the whole section of the office had given up pretending that they couldnt hear what was going on and that crash made everyone in our section very clearly aware that something was happening.

Joan was called back to her desk to clear some desk space for the convenience of one admin girl. Left to ourselves, Chu Hui asked me to share my opinion on whether that "fuck" was directed at us or at Mr Fundamental. Just as soon as i said "Perhaps both? But maybe more to Mr Fundamentals bah", admin guy walked up to joan who was on her way back to join us. He came up to her, and with all the hatred and fury he could master, shouted "FUCK" in her face. Take note that my office is open concept i.e. you can see everything happening and i was standing facing joan's direction. I could see every horrid event unfolding and the memory of an old guy trying to bully a young girl into intimidation is forever etched in my mind.

It's the kind of incident that shocks you to your very bones. I wished i had done something then but the truth is? i was so shocked that a grown man could resort to such vile behaviour that i was rooted to the spot. Shouting "fuck' into joan's face in full view of everyone was akin to doing the same action to me. It didn't matter which QS intern he was shouting at, all he wanted to show was that he could humilate us and not to mess with him.

Judge a man by the way he treats his inferiors and not his superiors.

This is totally typical bully behaviour. Wait till the big boss is gone and try to flaunt superiority in front of those he judges inferior. Coward could put up a huge show of how angry he was but didn't have the balls to say "fuck" or express displeasure in front of Mr Fundamental. He could put up that show cause all but 1 manager were at a meeting.

After lunch, he stopped near my desk and started to stare at me. I was utterly fed up with his behaviour and just ignored him till he felt stupid and went on to stare at joan's back. Which joan didnt even feel. Sigh. I had always thought that this kind of guy would not survive in the real world. Apparently they can. in the construction industry at least.

tell me. how should i feel. cause right now? i feel dead.


i want to do more than just exist.