Perhaps it's karma for making fun of "emo" people, but today was a rather emotionally exhausting day.



It started well enough till i made the super uber mistake of telling sherlin and asilah in detail about what happened in the past. I thought that i would be able to laugh it off by now but when i showed them the blogpost, i started reading those hurtful poisonous words again. Amazing how hurt and self doubt come pouring in at the smallest sight of vulnerability. Why is it that we doubt it when people praise us but once someone writes horrid stuff about us, we immediately believe it to be true and start questioning where we went wrong? am i really so bad? What did i do wrong? Am i stupid to have trusted her so blindingly? Am i really the kind of person she writes me to be?

i hate this feeling. the feeling where the self confidence you painstakingly built up crumbles to bits just due to one person's wicked words. I know it's not true but what hurts me the most is that i really considered that person as a friend. When she had problems with an anoymous tagger on her blog at 3 am, i was the one to console her when i had a project due the next day. When she wanted to practice her presentation over the phone, i was the one to listen. I'm not citing such examples to say i demand gratitude. I would gladly do anything for a good friend. But to treat someone like a friend only to have that very person to say such poisonous words about you. It hurts. In reality, you can move on. You can decide to forgive that person but there will always be a small nigging part of you that remembers the terrible hurt. You will always have that self doubt in you. It''s just a matter of how deep do you bury the hurt.

Hard to believe but it's gonna be a year since that happened. In a way, i'm really glad that it happened to me and not any one else i know of. That's cause i'm lucky enough to have my family and friends to help me recognise my self worth. I cannot thank them enough for their patience, reassurances and listening ears.

They allowed me to cry out all my pent up emotions, were extremely patient in listening to my incoherent ramblings and pulled me out of my low confidence funk by cheering me up and making sure i knew how loved i was. If i have not done this before, i would like to tell all these special individuals that i really really love you guys. I don't know what i would have done without you! You were really the best cure a girl could ever hope to have. I hope that one day, should you ever need a friend, i can measure up to how you were in my times of crisis!

Besides strengthening my present friendships, that incident was a blessing in disguise. When one door closes, a window opens. Instead of wasting my time on a hypocrite, I had the lucky opportunity to make friends with Hidayah, Sherlin, Asilah, Alvinna, Claryce, Huili, Jia Hui, Jing Xian... etc. It was also great to re-kindle a friendship with YiQi.

Blogging sure is therapeutic. I was feeling rather upset at the start of this post.. but as i wrote on, i realised that in losing something that never really was worth it, i have gained so so much more.

Sure. It was a terrible drama that i do not want to ever experience again. That self doubt remains. And every once in a while, that self doubt will inevitably surface, leaving me upset and shaken. But i'm lucky enough to have awesome family and friends to offer me a helping hand to pull myself out of that quicksand of self doubt. Now, if that's not the biggest blessing a girl can ever have, i don't know what else is.