i was just talking to john and the discussion turned to teachers.. Not the thank-you-so-much-for-inspiring-me kind but the you-can-die-in-a-car-accident-and-i-will-not-care.

During my HR lessons, i learnt about how past events and people can affect your whole character. I remember how in secondary school, one whole grp of teachers ganged up against me and how i always felt like the dog that gets beaten repeatedly until it admits defeat. i won't go into all the explicit details that made me really bitter till today but i remember the days of dread where i had to face their insults in front of my whole class and then have to hold my head up high, pretending that i didnt let them get to me.. and then going home to cry in the shower. What is it with people who like to get happy-go-lucky people down? Anyways, so in a weird sense i can see how those years have contributed to how i simply cannot wrap my head around teachers. Like it's really cool that NUS teachers like to treat us as equals but some part of me still cannot trust them to be that sincere. It's difficult to overcome such a ingrated thinking that most teachers cannot be trusted and are out to put you down just for the sake of it.

i saw one teacher from that gang the other day in macs when i was with jill. You know, i have fantasize many times about what i would do when i meet them outside after i have graduated.. And most times have me going up to them and telling them off or pouring something over them.. but when it finally came down to it, all i could do was give her a disgusted glare and ignore her because i simply could not stand being in her presence anymore. Nothing i do to them now can make up for their vindicative and spiteful actions. All i can think about is karma.

I remember reading my diary entries from those days and crying and ranting for the girl. Just remembering everying single thing that they said and made me do, just makes me very sad for girl i was then.

I recognise that my life has been anything but bleak since then. I have a wonderful circle of family and friends (and dog! heh) who have chased away any self doubt i had. I know there are some wonderful teachers out there and I have had experiences with awesome teachers, even though i was pretty guarded around them.

In a way, teachers can be separated into those who see falling leaves as a sign that the tree is going to die while others see fallin leaves as a sign of the tree's re-birth. I know that those 5 teachers belong to the first group. But you can say partly because of them, i cannot recognise the latter group and that makes me really sad.

The feeling of wariness is not easy to overcome and i guess couple it with incidents from irene, deranged rabbit, nick (or was it nicolas?), it is something that i never want to let go of.


kudos to john for the quote