you see.. it's never gonna be enough. aurrgh why did we have to stray to this topic?

i shall take security in the fact that you don't read my blog and speak my mind here.

i may pretend to not care when you drop me like a hot potato all the time. But, sometimes, the sproadic contact hurts some part of me. i keep the contact between us a secret because i'm ashamed of how i can degrade myself to such a state. Sometimes i ask myself.. what the hell am i doing? how can i still keep doing whatever we have between us when i know as sure as night and day that im around only because you have not gone to school and met more people. i'm like your transition girl. you are waiting for the next best thing and keeping me around till it happens.

Why do i still continue doing this with such a terrible knowledge of the facts? I cant blame it on love like other people do. Love? i dun believe that im in love with you. yeah, i may have had crushes on you in the past before all this shit happened. But, i was way over them by the time this happened. i like you reasonably enough to have considered you as a friend albeit sounding ear on the guy's point of relationship. so what made this tick? a way to get over my break up? possibly.. i used to think that my breakup was the worst i cud ever feel .. that nothing else could ever hurt me more than that.. but i would like to think that im over that now.. so why am i still here? stuck in this limbo knowing that we never will go anywhere.

u see, the most puzzling aspect of this whole shit is that.. if we ever decided whether cud be a possibilty to take this further, i'm not sure i would want to do that. so why do i still feel empty when this is the best place to be? on one hand, when i see some of your messages, my mood lifts. yet, when we spend time together, i feel uncomfortable. does this make sense?

i'm confused. why am i still here? why am i still keeping you around? the truth is i don't know which is the worst answer i can ever give myself.