why am i still keeping you around? why! i broke it off! yay for me! a nice clean break.. adios to mr baboon ass aka toilet pump! i didnt feel a great weight being lifted, yeah there was sadness for letting it drag so long but yeah.. one step closer to reclaiming back my dignity! go me!

yesterday was my presentation and man alive! my teacher interrupted me to ask something tt was gonna come up later.. like im presenting A,B,C and while im talkin about A.. he asks me about C. patience boy.. but i do admit i was rather surprised coz last sem, during my communications module, the teacher told us to never ever interrupt the presentor.. save the questions for later. but this idiot went and interupt. the worst part was that coz i'm sick, i can't hear properly. My hearing is reallie blocked. so the ppoor dude had to ask me 4 times before i caught the ball. but then im gonna make an excuse for him.. he's a young honours student la.. and a foreigner so ya wells.. too bad he's rather impatient.

then there is this girl who i crown "the girl who asks the most useless questions and gives the most useless titbits of infomation!" seriously.. it's like she is asking stuff just for the sake of asking. i mean for the past 2 groups' presentation, she was asking them stuff like "what is virtual community?" when the whole entire presentation was about virtual communities.. so no surprise when she asked us real stupid questions. i forgot what she asked.. all i can remember was my disbelief at her question and trying very hard to keep the "can you be any more stupid?" expression off my face.

the rest of them asked reasonable questions and some real good ones so overall, im satisfied with that project.. vince took a peek at the score sheet. and im praying that he got the overall grade wrong!

it turns out lots of people are gettin sick.. like hanwei and jinyu.. join the germs party man! jinyu has lost so much weight.. i got a surprise when i first saw him yesterday. the sick diet: lost more weight without even realising it! and speaking of which i had a dang weird dream about hanwei last night. cant exactly remember what.. but i remember thinking "okay.. now this is a weird dream! can't i have another?" truth to be told.. im still feeling creeped out. cant shake that feeling off.

anyways.. any ideas on what to get a 12 year old girl for her birthday? i have limited budget so yeah.. gee whiz.. she's gonna be 12.. i feel so old.. pardon me while i go lie down for a bit.

you see.. it's never gonna be enough. aurrgh why did we have to stray to this topic?

i shall take security in the fact that you don't read my blog and speak my mind here.

i may pretend to not care when you drop me like a hot potato all the time. But, sometimes, the sproadic contact hurts some part of me. i keep the contact between us a secret because i'm ashamed of how i can degrade myself to such a state. Sometimes i ask myself.. what the hell am i doing? how can i still keep doing whatever we have between us when i know as sure as night and day that im around only because you have not gone to school and met more people. i'm like your transition girl. you are waiting for the next best thing and keeping me around till it happens.

Why do i still continue doing this with such a terrible knowledge of the facts? I cant blame it on love like other people do. Love? i dun believe that im in love with you. yeah, i may have had crushes on you in the past before all this shit happened. But, i was way over them by the time this happened. i like you reasonably enough to have considered you as a friend albeit sounding ear on the guy's point of relationship. so what made this tick? a way to get over my break up? possibly.. i used to think that my breakup was the worst i cud ever feel .. that nothing else could ever hurt me more than that.. but i would like to think that im over that now.. so why am i still here? stuck in this limbo knowing that we never will go anywhere.

u see, the most puzzling aspect of this whole shit is that.. if we ever decided whether cud be a possibilty to take this further, i'm not sure i would want to do that. so why do i still feel empty when this is the best place to be? on one hand, when i see some of your messages, my mood lifts. yet, when we spend time together, i feel uncomfortable. does this make sense?

i'm confused. why am i still here? why am i still keeping you around? the truth is i don't know which is the worst answer i can ever give myself.

primary school essay question: write about a person you know.

i love my bestie, jillian aka jilly. She's always there to make me laugh when im feeling cranky. Jillian bought me mango from thailand. I was the only person she bought stuff for! But, it was given away to another person which made jillian hopping mad. But, it's okay cause janvion is going to come back with MORE! it's all about the mangos.

we do many things together, like swim and talk. i love to hang out with her cause it's always a barrel of laughs. Not one moment goes by in "sian-ness". eating french fries with jill is a blast.. except for cheese fries.

when im down,she's always there. sometimes, i do not even have to say anything over the phone and she will know something is wrong. And she listens while i pour out my woes. When i have happy news, the first person i contact is her cause she can double my happiness.. and when im low, she is the first person to listen because she manages to share the sorrow and lift the burden up by slapping me awake.

jillian's new blog is so pretty. I love jill because she is the kind of friend that i can sit down with, not say anything and still feel comfortable.

I'm sad cause our schedules may not allow us to meet for a while. but never mind.. we will always be BFF! Best Friend Forever! and we will always have "But, i C-cup worz!" and mango.

to jill: i hope u got a laugh out of this!

my left shoulder hurts like mad.. i have tried the oto machine, the plaster, bengay.. it hurts so bad i nearly died on the way home. i hope jinyu has a cure for me tml.

i am
frustrated: because it's just like her to automatically think the worst of me. A newspaper headline about a girl getting into trouble over nude photos makes her think that i'm gonna run out naked and scream "TAKE ME! TAKE ME!"

very frustrated: because she is allowed to show and express her anger but when i raise objections over her constant slamming down the phone on me, she goes all "you don't give me face"

very very frustrated: because right now, it seems like im the only one who cares about how we would look like on monday. I know it's not their fault, but i can't help feeling this way. By right, i should feel grateful that they are even talking about the presentation when they S/U the module. but still. i dunnoe.. Blame my pride, but i never wanna give substandard work when many people can see it. Sigh. i mean it's all our fault for making it so last minute but there were so many cancelled meetings because of the false security of time. yeah, i'm a last minute person but i eat,live and breathe the darn project till it's over so dun blame me when i don't talk to you on MSN or sms back or call back.. sorry.


wallowing in self pity: well this was since yesterday since i came down with a fever and had to go to school. that was still okay. but the fever is irritating. I realise i always fall sick when i have to rush assignments.

stressed: besides the above mentioned project, the deadline for all my other proj is looming and they are those huge major ones which involve alot of work. Unbelievable shit like studying a water tank of a residential and proposing new systems to implement. which means floor plans (which means lots of red tape). stuff like tt..and it's due soon!

tired of it all: sometimes i wish we could just get along. that i could look you in the face and smile a genuine smile. no need to crack a stupid forced joke to ease up everything. why is it everyone else gets along with theirs and not us? why can't i be glad to see you? why must you always spoil the mood by some stupid remark to put me down? the first thing u said to me after your trip away was "reading book and not studying?" yeah welcome home.

tired: now i noe what tim meant about gettin tired after staring at a screen so long. plus multi-tasking with keeping the dog quiet and changing the bedsheets. heh

amused: I fINd iT sTuPid wHeN PeoPle.. AHH screw it.. i cant type liek that for nuts.. how the hell did she manage to do it? and she is friggin 20. Pearlyn: how can you ever take her seriously man?

super stressed: haven bought geetha's present and its on SUNDAY!! Arrghh and it's geetha! so it needs to be super nice la!

needy: because ting didnt bring me to Australia

delirious with delight: keeping my fingers crossed! if all goes well, im off to travel all around china with who else? Cheeyen and Jinyu! 2 of my favourite people to travel with! Plans have been shifted forward by 1 whole year!

swearing off neopets: enough said.

stupid: coz i have to get up for work in 5 hours and im still writing this

bitchy: because im writing this blog post

whiney: see above

PMS: see above


On a lighter note, tt day while i was watchin "American Idol", my younger sister pointed out one grey haired singer to my mom by saying "Mummy, he is so your type. Because he is old."

the next day, my mother dyed her hair.

last night, as i was frying pork for sweet and sour pork, the kitchen filled with smoke. You know, with deep frying in a kwali, that is always bound to happen. However, my younger sister decided to be funny and dropped to her knees, and kept on screamin "fire! fire! where is the exit!" as she crawled around. she tinks she is funny.

it's 4 more days and no dress. sharon is gonna lend me 2 dresses but i wud prefer to buy my own for future use. another cousin is getting married at the end of this year too. ah wells.

cheeyen is waaay ahead of me man! she has already planned our china trip for 2007. wooah! according to her, the 3 of us has different roles. she is the organiser, jinyu the navigator and i am the.. entertainer. hmmm well i do like my job description.. i provide the fun! yay! yes i do miss the 3 of us just runnin about without money... scrimping and walking all about. i cant wait for the china sequel! must start saving like mad now!

okay im lazy to sms right now.. but this is going out to pei and ting.. stay over on the 20th.. eat drink and be merry! my hse. see you there! perhaps we cud go out for a while before coming back here.. what say you guys?

i know some who cannot understand the depth of my feelings regarding this issue so pls refrain from reading.

How would you like it if you really wanted something, with all your being, till in your despair, you start praying everyday. every night. you pray for a miracle. days pass. days turn into nights and that very thing eludes you. you dream about it.. you long for it and when you see others who have it.. you get so jealous, your shoulder slump down at the thought of it.

let's be frank. i never had my own room. all my life i have shared a room with my sisters. In my house, there is no such thing as your own spacee. everything is shared and there is no sanctuary for you to escape to. the lock to the bedroom my sisters and i share... is broken. everytime i try to claim a study space, it slowly gets invaded by my younger sis and mother. In some ways, sharing a room with my sisters have made me closer to them.. in others, i feel suffocated. there is no private corner for me to lick my wounds.. for me to retreat in privacy. basically, there is no sense of space.

Until i came nus. the privacy and the quiet came with a relief. there was no bitching. no mood swings to watch for. no sudden temper flares which result in tense atmospheres. no need to cater to everyone's whims. i could do my household chores at my own pace. there was no stress in maintaining everyone's mood. there was no feeling of always being caught in the middle.. of having to take sides.. of having everything depend on one mood! things have gotten so bad to a point, i could just scream and scream and scream and scream. cant u see that you are smothering me.

so when i didnt get pgp for 2nd year, it was disappointing and i felt like shit. Now, i got it. yet i cant get it. normally i wouldnt mind except for the fact i need a logical reasonable reason as to why i cannot get it.

i shall not go into details but let's just say that every issue they brought up and i countered with a logical argument.. they would say "oh its not the point" so what exactly is the point?
"it's the money issue.."
"okay.. i got the cheapest room and the administator said that i wouldnt have to pay for it till i move in."
"well i dont like paying for that room"
"How about i just pay for it by myself?"
"now. see.. that's not the point"
it's such a bitter experience to see after all the effort you have put in to make your parents happy.. they still dun trust you. it's so disappointing to see the people you once respected for what they really are.

people have told me that i should talk to them. but i noe it's useless.. i tried and like i expected.. every talk ends up with my mother taking offence... which results in her throwing down stuff and stompinh off to sulk.

now, it's no longer about the room. but how shockin it is to learn that no matter what you do, you can never please your parents. you can go to a course you hate for 4 years, you can break up with your boyfriend (coz they married their first serious boyfriend and wan you to experience "life"), you can always come home early, you can always go work at the family company whenever they wan you to.. but they will never ever be completely satisfied. even if you use your own hard earned money to by stuff u like, you wll always be seen a spendthrift. even if you pay for your textbooks, meals, transport, outings, they always deem you as a spoilt brat. even if you dun ask them for allowance when they forget to give.. and scrimp and save for your stuff... they will always forget good stuff that you did.

what will it take to please you?

you can skip lessons to stay back to help carry out disgusting drain water. you can cancel outings to help clean the house from top to bottom when they are in their fits. you can wake up early to clean the grilles. you can quietly help out like wash the underwears when u see them being soaked in the pail. you can iron the clothes.. but you know what? during chinese new year, when meeting the relatives, they won't talk about how you helped out. they tell the relatives how useless you are. how you never help out. or how u never cook.

it's always something else. something that you didnt do.

this has kinda served as a wake up call. i can never please them. so why am i still trying so hard?

the tighter you grip sand in your hands, the faster it flows out.

i dunnoe bout you guys but i like the following syntax from Romeo&Juliet. tink shakespare managed to properly capture the feeling of a family. the father refusing to listen.. the daughter who is still recovering from the shock.. not managing to put her real feelings into words.she tries to reject without hurting their feelings but it is always a lose-lose situation. the mother not wanting to do anything. and when the parents' decision is rejected.. the tantrams fly and no one listens.. the father just flies into an awful rage and demands things to be done his way.


Act 3 scene V

CAPULET
When the sun sets, the air doth drizzle dew;
But for the sunset of my brother's son
It rains downright.
How now! a conduit, girl? what, still in tears?
Evermore showering? In one little body
Thou counterfeit'st a bark, a sea, a wind;
For still thy eyes, which I may call the sea,
Do ebb and flow with tears; the bark thy body is,
Sailing in this salt flood; the winds, thy sighs;
Who, raging with thy tears, and they with them,
Without a sudden calm, will overset
Thy tempest-tossed body. How now, wife!
Have you deliver'd to her our decree?

LADY CAPULET
Ay, sir; but she will none, she gives you thanks.
I would the fool were married to her grave!

CAPULET
Soft! take me with you, take me with you, wife.
How! will she none? doth she not give us thanks?
Is she not proud? doth she not count her blest,
Unworthy as she is, that we have wrought
So worthy a gentleman to be her bridegroom?

JULIET
Not proud, you have; but thankful, that you have:
Proud can I never be of what I hate;
But thankful even for hate, that is meant love.

CAPULET
How now, how now, chop-logic! What is this?
'Proud,' and 'I thank you,' and 'I thank you not;'
And yet 'not proud,' mistress minion, you,
Thank me no thankings, nor, proud me no prouds,
But fettle your fine joints 'gainst Thursday next,
To go with Paris to Saint Peter's Church,
Or I will drag thee on a hurdle thither.
Out, you green-sickness carrion! out, you baggage!
You tallow-face!
LADY CAPULET
Fie, fie! what, are you mad?

JULIET
Good father, I beseech you on my knees,
Hear me with patience but to speak a word.

CAPULET
Hang thee, young baggage! disobedient wretch!
I tell thee what: get thee to church o' Thursday,
Or never after look me in the face:
Speak not, reply not, do not answer me;
My fingers itch. Wife, we scarce thought us blest
That God had lent us but this only child;
But now I see this one is one too much,
And that we have a curse in having her:
Out on her, hilding!

Nurse
God in heaven bless her!
You are to blame, my lord, to rate her so.

CAPULET
And why, my lady wisdom? hold your tongue,
Good prudence; smatter with your gossips, go.

Nurse
I speak no treason.

CAPULET
O, God ye god-den.

Nurse
May not one speak?

CAPULET
Peace, you mumbling fool!
Utter your gravity o'er a gossip's bowl;
For here we need it not.

LADY CAPULET
You are too hot.

CAPULET
God's bread! it makes me mad:
Day, night, hour, tide, time, work, play,
Alone, in company, still my care hath been
To have her match'd: and having now provided
A gentleman of noble parentage,
Of fair demesnes, youthful, and nobly train'd,
Stuff'd, as they say, with honourable parts,
Proportion'd as one's thought would wish a man;
And then to have a wretched puling fool,
A whining mammet, in her fortune's tender,
To answer 'I'll not wed; I cannot love,
I am too young; I pray you, pardon me.'
But, as you will not wed, I'll pardon you:
Graze where you will you shall not house with me:
Look to't, think on't, I do not use to jest.
Thursday is near; lay hand on heart, advise:
An you be mine, I'll give you to my friend;
And you be not, hang, beg, starve, die in
the streets,
For, by my soul, I'll ne'er acknowledge thee,
Nor what is mine shall never do thee good:
Trust to't, bethink you; I'll not be forsworn.

Exit

JULIET
Is there no pity sitting in the clouds,
That sees into the bottom of my grief?
O, sweet my mother, cast me not away!
Delay this marriage for a month, a week;
Or, if you do not, make the bridal bed
In that dim monument where Tybalt lies.

LADY CAPULET
Talk not to me, for I'll not speak a word:
Do as thou wilt, for I have done with thee.

Exit

jianxiang is back!

i dunnoe about you guys.. but i'm getting really sick and tired of the stupid "ah beng" and "ah lian" mentions.. like pple being proud to be them when it is so passe. or the older generation harping on how "ah beng" they are.. for eg. oh shoot i forgot his name.. mark chew? the one who is ageing not prettily.. the one on channel 8. mark lee! and the new play. and the media playin up ah beng. like showing old people to be proud of being "lian". dun they understand that in their bid to look young, they are earning our scorn at being so old yet wannabe young?
it's so over. get over it.



i'm thinking of joining this.
Project Angel VII

This coming 21 May to 6 June 2006, Project Angel will enter Siem Reap, Cambodia; to build a new school for the children in Krapeu Village. Join Us, and embark on a journey adventure, friendship and self-discovery…

http://sciclub.nus.edu.sg/adhoc/projangel.php


Date/Time: Interested volunteers kindly contact us before 15/02/06.

Venue:
Contact: Call Keng Moh @ 9069 4449