"i love being us" --- pei

yes.. i love it when pei and i wud sigh into our pillows at appropriate moments when ting relegates us with stories.
i loved it when both of us surprised ting with a birthday cake.. we were jumping all ard while waiting for her to walk up to the room. it was one of the more agonising 10 mins of my life.. only to find out tt ting was at the wrong hotel. gah!
i loved it when we started making up our own card games.. and trying (unsuccessfully) to make ting drunk.
i loved it when we started becoming scandalous.
i love the fact tt whatever happens to me, i can count on them to always be there. to never patronise but to comfort and lend me strength before i can stand up on my own.
i love shopping for them. i loved it when ting gave a exclamation of genuine pleasure when she saw our present.
i love the postive feelings we generate.

basically... i love this two girls to bits. whoever comes near to hurting them.. will have to go thru me first!

well during tt night, we got to talkin and pei asked a question that stuck in my mind.. "at what point.. does it become a relationship between two pple?" at which point during the courtship, does one noe that the other is exclusively one's own? that the other party is taking it as seriously as you are? i met hanwei last night ans we got to talking.. Halfway thru the conversation, i realise when. It becomes a relationship when you allow the person close enough to hurt you. when you open your heart.. and show ur vulnearability. that is when the relationship starts.

i'm pretty sad after meeting up with my secondary school friends yesterday. everyone around me loves their seconadry school friends. not that my sec school frens are any different.. they still run ard in the same crowd and know what the others are up to. but i simply cannot mix with them. for the very simple reason, that everytime we meet up, this certain girl seems to find extra pleasure in puttin me down. it's not the same as how hanwei and jinyu does it. it's all made out of plain spitefulness. you can tell that she really means it. There are times you look at her and you can see the unmasked hatred, the cruel twist of her mouth, the sneer.. and God help me, everytime she opens her mouth to insult me, many horrible retorts crowd my mind.. it takes a supreme effort to stop them all from tumbling out.

don't get me wrong. i'm not being nice or a poor suffering girl who cannot speak up for herself. but more to.. i prefer to lace my comments with icy sarcasm and intelligent wit. (of coz i have had many teachers in this manner.)
to retort back "i have everything you don't" to her "well. no matter what, you are still ugly"..
it's just simply lowering myself to be as childish and spiteful as her. it was always a matter of simply ignoring her when she made such comments. but lately, i cant help letting the icy contempt creep into my eyes. i hate myself when im with her. on one hand, i can coldly assess her and pick out all her faults. but sometimes, her remarks hit a little too close to home. and when she touches me, i can feel myself recoiling. for example, when she started feelin the back of both my arms while tellin me that i have grown fatter, it took an immense amount of effort to not slap her (i slap you when pple im not close to touch me without warning).

and the superficiality of it all! to have her proclaim that we are best friends. to have them thinking that i'm fine with it all. to have her thinkin that my silence to her comments is consent. makes me shake my head. the fake smiles i put on. let me try to put it in better context.

the comments, the manipulation of the conversations so that i get left out, the little actions and all, makes the company un-enjoyable. but when u do all that, and pretend that we are still friends? that is where i have to draw a line. my life is too short for me to waste breaths on talkin to you like you don't hate me.

i noe friendships are pretty important. but u have to understand, i can no longer keep up this pretense. when i'm with you, a little bit of me dies because of what i have to become to be with you. i dun wan to be a petty fool who tinks stupid mean thoughts about you out of spite. it's not who i wanna be. so let me save my last shred of dignity and bow out of this catfight i never wanted to partake in.

something that hurts is that.. these comments are made in the presence of other friends. Not one comes to my defense. i dun expect anyone to leap to my defense. but it wud be nice if someone looks uncomfortable and joke ard to stop it. but lately, they are reminding me of sheep. they are joining in.. and i hate it when they call me bitch. i wud normally be proud to be one. but when they say it.. i immediately feel like shit.

ah wells! im off to thailand tml! yay! it wud be tight budget but if i can survive on $20 a day for NYC... i can survive anything!

and after that! it will be the 23rd.. where i wud have my first christmas present exchange with friends! ansd pretty nails!
plus i get to watch king kong with hanwei! i can't hardly wait to watch king kong! been waiting ages to see it and searching ard for someone to accompany me go watch it. king kong: machoism at its very best! a giant ape professin his love by climbin to the top of the tower to grunt. ting tells me that it's not like tt at all.. but of coz i wouldnt know wud i?

off to enjoy the last of my VCDs before tml.. haven even packed anything yet..
see ya all in a week's time. Happy holidays!