have you ever had times when you know that you shouldn't care about other people.. but some small part of you still does care anyway? people tell you "aiyah.. this is the world."/ "don't care about such people"/ "she is insignificant" in an attempt to console you.. but the fact remains. A small part of you still cares.

I'm sorry. I noe all of you have your own problems and mine is probably insignificant in comparison. But this has been pent up too long. the fact is i have tried so hard. but i'm still miserable in NUS. Unlike SGSS and NY, i have few or no friends. Most of the time, i feel like a social outcast in a sea of people. I can be surrounded by a million people and feel terribly lonely. Yes, i should count my blessings instead of woes..I've tried so hard to focus on the positives.. but everytime i thank God for something, some pile of shit drops onto me. Everyone says "how can you have no friends? you can make friends easily" in NUS, i cant. You have no idea how hard it is for me. the girls are always in their cliques and we don't have the same mindset. It is easier for guys to make friends. The calibre of SDE girls .. they are good lookin and i just get a sense that they don't want to make friends with me. They just wan to make friends with guys. An example?

Today, i was sitting at the same table with Andy and Ah Lai. So there i was, enjoying my ice cream while nursing a terrible case of exhaustion.. when this girl in black stopped by, she talked to andy and ah lai for a while and asked for their names.. so the conversation became
girl in black: talk to you so long dun noe ur name
andy: oh i'm andy.
girl in black gestures to ah lai
ah lai: im ah lai.
and then she says oh okay i got to go now. FUCK! fine. it's okay that you don't want to know my name. but tt reallie stung. couldnt you have pretended to care? u can forget my name or who the fuck i am the moment you turned away but for you to have done tt.. it hurts like fuck. Isn't it amazing how a stranger can be the straw that broke the camel's back? when i tink about it, i just feel like howling. Strangers want to show a nice impression so they usually pretend to care. So what happens if a stranger doesnt even pretend to care? What have you become?

i would like to shoot her evil looks but i can't remember her name or how she looks like coz i was very tired and hurt that she ignored my existence at a small table. All i remember is she wore a black shirt, had long hair, and i tink fair skin. That's it. Isn't it a wonder how a girl i never knew and have no desire to know can hurt me with careless indifference? i tink its funny how a stranger can hurt you till you cry while you can't make urself cry over losing someone.

Now, do you get what i mean when i say i dun wan to make friends with them or it's difficult? Why? to leave is to die, to stay is to die inwardly. inside, i feel a piece of me fading away each day. I'm feelin desperate. I'm already 20 years old. what am i gonna do with my life? The next one to two years of my life is gonna be spent in the same state of limbo? I dun wanna waste the best years of my life feeling like pukin everyday. Yes, i love learning; learning new things and how to look at stuff from different perspectives. But, for everyday i stay, part of me, who i really am, my dreams, my hopes, diminishes.

I wish i might, i wish i may love my course and school a little more each day. Please. I don't wan to cry inside anymore.