have you ever had times when you know that you shouldn't care about other people.. but some small part of you still does care anyway? people tell you "aiyah.. this is the world."/ "don't care about such people"/ "she is insignificant" in an attempt to console you.. but the fact remains. A small part of you still cares.

I'm sorry. I noe all of you have your own problems and mine is probably insignificant in comparison. But this has been pent up too long. the fact is i have tried so hard. but i'm still miserable in NUS. Unlike SGSS and NY, i have few or no friends. Most of the time, i feel like a social outcast in a sea of people. I can be surrounded by a million people and feel terribly lonely. Yes, i should count my blessings instead of woes..I've tried so hard to focus on the positives.. but everytime i thank God for something, some pile of shit drops onto me. Everyone says "how can you have no friends? you can make friends easily" in NUS, i cant. You have no idea how hard it is for me. the girls are always in their cliques and we don't have the same mindset. It is easier for guys to make friends. The calibre of SDE girls .. they are good lookin and i just get a sense that they don't want to make friends with me. They just wan to make friends with guys. An example?

Today, i was sitting at the same table with Andy and Ah Lai. So there i was, enjoying my ice cream while nursing a terrible case of exhaustion.. when this girl in black stopped by, she talked to andy and ah lai for a while and asked for their names.. so the conversation became
girl in black: talk to you so long dun noe ur name
andy: oh i'm andy.
girl in black gestures to ah lai
ah lai: im ah lai.
and then she says oh okay i got to go now. FUCK! fine. it's okay that you don't want to know my name. but tt reallie stung. couldnt you have pretended to care? u can forget my name or who the fuck i am the moment you turned away but for you to have done tt.. it hurts like fuck. Isn't it amazing how a stranger can be the straw that broke the camel's back? when i tink about it, i just feel like howling. Strangers want to show a nice impression so they usually pretend to care. So what happens if a stranger doesnt even pretend to care? What have you become?

i would like to shoot her evil looks but i can't remember her name or how she looks like coz i was very tired and hurt that she ignored my existence at a small table. All i remember is she wore a black shirt, had long hair, and i tink fair skin. That's it. Isn't it a wonder how a girl i never knew and have no desire to know can hurt me with careless indifference? i tink its funny how a stranger can hurt you till you cry while you can't make urself cry over losing someone.

Now, do you get what i mean when i say i dun wan to make friends with them or it's difficult? Why? to leave is to die, to stay is to die inwardly. inside, i feel a piece of me fading away each day. I'm feelin desperate. I'm already 20 years old. what am i gonna do with my life? The next one to two years of my life is gonna be spent in the same state of limbo? I dun wanna waste the best years of my life feeling like pukin everyday. Yes, i love learning; learning new things and how to look at stuff from different perspectives. But, for everyday i stay, part of me, who i really am, my dreams, my hopes, diminishes.

I wish i might, i wish i may love my course and school a little more each day. Please. I don't wan to cry inside anymore.

Heroes are made.. one cup at a time. this pic is especially for my dear kaki and jinyu. i love you both so much.. wanna squeeeze u two to death! *MUACK* so much love! 

any break frm my notes is a welcome one.. shit lahz.. 100 more slides. be prepared for some major whining.

this is some serious fucked up shit. like come on already. jill.. at the rate my list is growing, it looks like we have some major eating to do! the players play then the players get played.

i dun get it. went shopping today.. according to my mum, i'm supposed to dress up for the wedding on sat and then find a decent dress for sunday's photoshoot. blardi hell. firstmost, im irked by the fact that my mum tinks that the bride actually cares whether her guests are wearing their clothes for the first time. the attention is on the bride! if i were her, i wud wan my guests to be a bit shabby so that i can shine! bahz.. *sulks* anyways. my lovely skirt is in the closet just beggin to be worn while i look ard for a decent top for it. so my shoppin trip ended in... buying a belt. haiz. when u have a purpose in mind, shoppin isn't very fun anymore! jianxiang.. pang seh me on fri and die.
the photoshoot is on sunday. and i just found out.. they wun be doing makeup or hair for anyone except my sis. *sniffs* this is called discrimination. blardi hell.. so i can imagine on that big ass portrait pic which wud be hanging in the hall. which is probably 12 megapixel.. can see every fuckin pore and blackhead... will have one lovely elder sister beamin while us poor family relatives stand ard attempting to look dignified and pretty.
99 more slides. no mood to study. die lahz. i have a feelin i will be the first one to walk out of the lecture hall. *waves sadly* goodbye slovakia. i'm sorry pearlyn.. i dun tink my grades can make it. also, girl.. where are you? i hell miss talkin to u online!

question:
at point A, adel was determined to make it. she had dreams and hopes. frm DR'N-1 (10kN) met point AS. calculate the upward force and reaction. from there calculate the downward force frm AS to US. the moment around point SG is negative 100kN. SG consists of an force(NuS) that is named NoFrNs. NTrs contributes with a compression of 47kN. Likewise, tension(T) is encountered at NTrs. Wtf is the moment around NTrs. calculate the slope of diff(TJ/AsHle). J being pt Jrk. at point N, is this blog post.

so where did she go wrong? write a short answer essay on how and why adel should feel upset. Analyze and intepret the past happenings of the week. Your answer should include the various idiots in her life. Also, justify your answer with examples.

sighz.. im crapping. hey! u try crammin in more than 300 slides in a day. fuckin bad day.

98 more slides.

they wan calculations? they get calculations.
i have over 200 slides to read in 6 hours..
so that's like 0.5612 slides to go thru per minute.
there is a 50 % chance of rain tomorrow.
there is a 80% chance i will fall asleep due to the stimulation of my notes.
i have 2 tutorials to be done by tomorrow.
i have a 0.03 % chance of passing tomorrow.
i have 3 projects due within next week. for one subject, i have 0% chances of understanding what the fuck my group members are talkin about. for another i have done 30% of my share and the last one.. my group has done 0.05% of the work done.
i am 100% screwed.
i am also 100% furious that i allowed myself to get into this mess.
there is a 60% chance some idiot is gonna get it from me. i am 100% mad at myself.
someone is being a 20% jerk, 30% asshole, 5 % idiot, 5% moron, 10% stupidity(askin to get killed only), 10% gigantic pompous egoistic shithead, 20% fucker. he had better have a very very good explanation. dun play me.
my professor is 70% evil. and i am 100% stupid and boliao for writing this post at this moment of time.

i like this top... unfortunately it costs more than $135! 

i love jill 

i believe that 5 more mins.. and we wud have been thrown out! 

*ahem* ting.. i realised that you don't need to find a guy and then break up with him to lose your appetite! another way is to be involved in a one-sided love story! see how simple it all is?

10 reasons why i love dear sweet pei

1) her deliciously wicked sense of humour... she's one of the few people you can discuss world domination with and not get accused of being sadistic..

2) it's fun to hear her cuss and swear.

3) she's part of the world's 3% population who is not dumb.

4) *grinz* for some weird reason, we are both surrounded by.. *ahem*

5) you can tell her anything. and she will patiently listen to you. and she can keep secrets very well. i wud put my life in her hands..

6) she's very sensitve and perceptive. so she can help you make sense of why some people behave so stupidly. bwahahahahha.. her observations can

7) she's capable and smart. you can talk to her about anything under the sun! so not only is the gossiping fun, the "intellectual" conversations are enjoyable too!

8) it's amusing to see her panic about trivial stuff like proof reading (though she has my sympathies!)

9) she can point out the amusing side to be seen in your troubles.

10) very simply put, she is a very very easy girl to love.

im listening to a piano songs CD now and just realised tt all the songs are break up songs! like wtf.
girl.. hang in there! *waves pom-poms*

i'm feelin a bit torn. On one hand, i feel amused that one month after america, the drama still goes on. Gossip is juicy... especially when it involves you.. narcisstic i noe.. but how do you deal with such situations? On the other hand, i feel like slappin some people.

you know what sucks the most? i can take the worst job in the universe.. i can wash all the metal buffet plates of 3 freakin restaurants pratically every day. i can take lugging 24 bottles of soda at one go.. standing out in the hot sun for 7 hours straight.. absolute boredom while standing around.. but the very thought of my "own kind" judging me, i don't think i can take that crap anymore.. On speedwing's survey form, they asked us to describe our worst experience in USA. "being judged and backstabbed by my 'own kind'" won over "worst job in the world".

why won't you leave me alone? like get a grip already. find something else to talk about.. maybe hurricane Rita.. the upcoming elections! why astroworld is closing! the new orleans disaster! there are like so many new topics.. why talk about how some people actually had the nerve to befriend other people of different nationalities? Besides, that happened more than a month ago.
Maybe you would like to ask why i started befriending other pple? take a good look at yourselves. After 2 months of friendship, you start dreamin up of scandals to gossip about. If you had not involved me in your ridiculous charade, i wouldn;t have gave a damn. You are possesive and controllin.. masking it all under the facade of being concerned about me. then behind my back, you excitedly spread untrue news about me.

I'm tired. Tired of attempting to defend myself coz pple believe what they want. sick and tired of all these pple. did i even say anything about your fuckin behaviour such as gg to strip club? It does not mean that if you did not enjoy your strip club experience, i cannot enjoy my house party. dun be so hypocritical. so many examples and i dun noe where to start.

You tell me how you dun wan me to get hurt and all.. and then you proceed to hurt me by going behind my back and.... i can't believe what you said to them! you baboon ass! what did you gain from hurtin my repuation? a lot of glee? thrills? a fun time gossipin? guess what?? they were gossiping about you too! isn't karma such a bitch sometimes? wanna noe what they say about you? bwahahaha .. i sure wouldn't! not very pretty fairytales for your seemingly innocent (and big) ears.

i wun even say fuck you. coz nobody wud ever wan to.

let's put america behind us. get on with it. Astroworld is closing. That chapter in our lives is closed. we may be of the same nationality and same skin colour. But, i'm not your "kind". i don't belong to your anal judgemental club. face it. why would i wan to be categorized in the same group as you? so stop saying that we should stick to our own people. unlike you, i dun belong to the Twits Nation.

have you ever felt so down and out... that you don't give a dipshit anymore?
last night.. during the dinner with everyone, i realised.. that friendships are difficult to maintain
the feeling inside.. i cant describe it for all the wrong reasons. I don't think i can ever take another hollow smile. It never rains but pours huh?
and so the crying game begins.
Who ever knew what went on behind her smile? Alll the shit just hit the fan.

i have a feeling that deep deep deep down, my sister possesses an evil streak. Just when i swore off drinking till the month of october, she hands me a vodka bottle. -_-

Top 10 signs that you have no life.
1) everyone around you has watched "The Longest Yard" (my sister is E-vvilll. She keeps on gushing on and on about it.) So you cannot find anyone to watch it with you!

2) *sulks* you spend your entire weekend editing a draft that consists of sentences like
- "Various gases and minute particles that can catch fire easily must be careful too."
- "In particular with safety on factory layout, site planning and the layout of machinery
and plants are weighty"
- "For the projects the operator’s seats or gripping of handles shall be within fundamental
reach, to alleviate constraints imposed by the body and work processes."

3) When you have a 4 hour break in between lessons, you go to a computer lab to rot (hence this damn boliao post)

4) You have not stepped foot in far east, wisma and many other shopping malls for more than 3 months.

5) The only thing that gets you out of bed is your parent's foot or to attend a tutorial because tutorial participation is 10%. And the irony is that when you get to class, you sit there and sulk at waking up at such an unearthy hour, which defeats the purpose of coming to earn participation marks. I have this guy in my tutorial class who is in desperate need of a mouth clamp. He has an opinion in every issue. I bet he feels miffed that Katrina didn't consult him before hitting New Orleans. I wouldn't half mind if his comments are interesting or constructive but it's seriously just crap. Like he has too much air in his mouth if he clamps up for a mere 10 mins, so he has to let loose a whole pile of bullshit.. effectively wasting my time and money (since the opportuniy cost of him crapping is my teacher's more valued remarks). Having that said, i must laud this guy for having the uncanny knack of taking a simple issue and complicating it till it becomes confusing. You ask this guy for the time.. He tells you how to build a bloody clock. He provides such unneccessary information and his very unwanted opinions to complicate matters. Worst than girl. *snorts* Buddy, we all know you love the sound of your own voice. But, we don't.

Another thing that puts him high on my list of "People who will suffer very horrible deaths when i rule the world" is his liking for pink shirts. Anyone who knows me would know about my distaste for guys wearing pink shirts. The guys who first started wearing pink shirts were cool and funky hunks who knew how to carry them off. Then, the ugly wimps started following suit, disgracing the whole concept. You don't find many cool guys wearing pink shirts nowadays. So, most of the time, when you see a guy in pink shirt from afar, 90% says he is a wimp. And this guys has worn his pink shirt twice in a row.

6) The only dancing you do nowadays is while you multi-task doing assignments and listening to music.

7) You have no knowledge about the various project group meetings arranged. And when you do meet up with them, you have no idea what they are talkin as they are just running about in circles.. like some chicken with its head cut off. *grumbles*

8) The only drama you get to watch unfold is on MSN where people tell you about events that happened in your absence. Here is another classic example where a moronic idiot went and put more than his foot into his mouth. He told my friend that ' i cannot imagine how i would feel if my girlfriend is like you". Like wtf? Firstmost, the dude is fuck ugly. I don't mean to be superficial but he really is asthetically challenged. This is not helped by the fact that his character sucks to the core. When we were in living in Houston, this guy was the laziest, most inconsiderate and selfish asshole ever made. He can be anti-social and play his computer games all he wants. But to expect to be waited on hand and foot? Everything he does, he does it for himself. Even though there are people around, he will not ask around. choosing to cook for himself. If he does cook for himself, he places his dirty dishes in the sink. Yet, he xpects people to cook for him, wash up after him and willingly do stuff for him. Is it any wonder that he is an unwelcome sight? By now, you would have guess this MCP does not have any girlfriend. like duh. for obvious reasons. H e probably has to get a mail-order bride.

9) You take 3 buses to school.. to type a blog full of complaints during your 4 hr break.

10) Your blog is full of complaints like this one.

Hmmm.. 10/10 ! where do i get my "i have no life" sticker?

PS: i dun tink ting is being properly sympathetic with my concerns about migrating *ahem* fats.

" And today's mistake is going to cure me of being too romantic. I have come to the conclusion that it is no use trying to be romantic in Avonlea. It was probably easy enough in towered Camelot hundreds of years ago, but romance is not appreciated now. I feel quite sure that you will soon see a great improvement in me in this respect, Marilla"

"I'm sure i hope so," said Marilla sceptically.
But Matthew, who has been sitting mutely in his corner, laid a hand on Anne's shoulder when Marilla had gone out.
"Don't give up all your romance, Anne," he whispered shyly, " a little of it is a good thing - not too much, of course - but keep a little of it, Anne, keep a little of it."
- Anne of Green Gables by L.Montgomery -

To anyone who has gone through a heartbreak, i have found the best way to numb the ache! Read the series of Anne books! Recently, i found what is left of my stash of Anne books.. Rediscovering them was akin to welcoming back an old friend. Have been devouring every word.. I dunnoe why.. but they do something funny to my insides and soothe the inner tempest within. ok i have 6 more pages of my project report to read thru.. sighz back to the harsh relaity.. but it has been my wish to see rolling hills, shining blue waters, winding country roads, fences, grass.. bridges over running rivers.. okok im gg into my dreamy mode which is not good!

To my dear kaki:
I am really sorry that we didn't get to spend much time together before you left for Malaysia and then (sigh) Canada. Looking back, it has been a hell of a ride, ain't it? First, there was the bonding by eating, sleeping and entertaining together for 32 straight hours on the way to Houston. Then there was all the adventure of settling down into a strange new country. Thanks for helping me with my homesickness then. For all the sumptious meals.. the partying..the constant gossiping.. and then karma came hitting back. We became subjects of gossip, honestly the worse part of the trip, havin all the shit thrown back to us. Well, we weathered thru that storm together (I'm still a bit affected by that episode but can you imagine if we had not stood together? i wud be .... well in a puddle now.) and came out as stronger people and members of the AI club! hahahaha! And, i don't think i can ever forget how you helped me thru my homesickness during the tour. It may not have been much to you, but for you to have foregone that trip to LA downtown coz i was too miserable to go out.. For you to let me sit there and pour out my woes and frustration.. If not for you, i don't think i would have been able to enjoy the whole trip with a broken heart. You were the one who helped me glue myself together in the face of malicious gossip and judgement, disappointment and a heart-wrenching break up. Maybe you didn't know it at that time. But, because of you, i have managed to pull myself together and go on with life.

Anyhows... What i'm trying to say is that, i'm really glad that we were together at the end.. When you entered the room, we would excitedly chatter and give jinyu a headache. I never did like to take photos but we have like 3000 pictures to show people! Sure, the tour wasn't exactly optimistic, but we made it fun in our own ways. Remember our promise to go back to San Francisco k? and to New York! We were so poor in NYC but yet we could continuing having so much fun then! We were really POOR together sia! Eating just one potato everyday,, i still can remember scrapin off every bit of the potato off the skin and sometimes eating the skin itself! I truly believe that we are one of the few tourists who actually walked all over NYC! Not once on the MET or subway!

My only consolation is that our 3 months in houston just whizzed by. I'm hoping that this next 3 months cud go by just as quickly.

Thanks for weathering the storm with me. For entertaining me. For being poor together. For being my kaki. Thanks for everything. I love you like hell.

PS. dun believe all that BS your ass of a senior said. Her opinions ain't worth dipshit. If i could, i wud slap her for you.


I love you kaki! COME BACK! Don't go Canada!

PSPS you still owe us a treat!

Cheeyen.. please COME BACK! 

i miss my kaki... 

i just dun get this world.
why is it when asian girls are friendly with white guys... other people assume them to be SPGs? With such asian guys always judging us from their high and mighty places where their anal asses rest...is it any wonder why we prefer the company of any one else, regardless of race, country, sex and age? Come on.. why do nice guys always end up last? coz they are always with this damn list of "what a girl should and should not do". Such guys always invest too much in their friendships, puttin unneccessary pressure on girls. Let's face it. Would you rather go out with a guy who u can joke ard with and have tons and tons and fun with just being yourself or go out with a guy who is nice but u have to mind what u say because he will interject with "you are so mean" or "do you really think you should do that?" or "dun say tt lehz.." stuff like tt.. u get what i mean. i wud much rather be with a guy who will bitch and snigger together with me..
Anyhows! i am diverting off my topic. I make frens because i think tt they are great company not because of their goddamn skin colour. Just because u feel insulted that i think myself "worthy" enough to make friends with people of other races while you are nested safetly inside your false sense of security, dun feel entitled to degrade me.

my tooth aches.

i dun get this world.
all the needless backstabbing. to confront is one thing. to resolve is an entirely different thing.

i dun get this world.
maybe u are right. listening is underrated. why wun you listen? we all think that we listen, but what we do is hear. i noe tt im not an excellent listener myself but for all records i tink several pple i noe suck as listeners too.


Maybe im never meant to get this world.

okay.. just learnt of something. now im supremely pissed. and furious.

okay.. han wei is in.. but shiang lin and yujen are out of the picture.. last look at my camera's case.. *sob* 

thank you andy.. i have been searching all over for any orson's farm book and now i have so many! thanks loads! 

i love my orson's farm collection! 

my study (yeah.right.)companion! isn't orson so cute? 

the grp minus xianglin and hanwei 

i love my banana - chocolate cake! 

i cut my fringe by myself in the hotel bathroom before coming out.. this photo shows the results.. was pretty satisfied with it 

so near.. yet so far.. 

joyously eating ice cream.. 

Las vegas.... 

loses its magic during the day 

cesars' palace.. 

on the way...  

pei's fav ad.. sorry it's the pink one.. :) 

i tink that the hotel behind us a relatively new one.. wynn's i itnk.. like the curve of the building 

at the luxor.. we had walked the entire strip in one night.. the fatigue is clearly reflected on cheeyen's and my face 

the volcano eruption.. this was my desktop wallpaper for a while. 

treasure island.. notice the horizontal split in the photo.. 

we stayed at this hotel..